You Know You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When….


  1. You answer the door before people knock.
  2. You ski uphill.
  3. You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  4. You haven’t blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  5. You lick your coffee pot clean.
  6. Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  7. You can type 60 words per minute…with your feet.
  8. You can jump-start your car without cables.
  9. You don’t need a hammer to pound nails.
  10. Your only source of nutrition comes from “Sweet & Low.”
  11. You don’t sweat, you percolate.
  12. You buy Half & Half by the barrel.
  13. You’ve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  14. You forget to unwrap candy bars before you eat them.
  15. You’ve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.
  16. People get dizzy just watching you.
  17. You’ve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  18. The Taster’s Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  19. Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  20. Your taste buds are so numb that you could drink your lava lamp.
  21. Instant coffee takes too long.
  22. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
  23. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  24. You short out motion detectors.
  25. You don’t even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  26. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  27. You think being called a “drip” is a compliment.
  28. You don’t tan; you roast.
  29. You can’t remember your second cup.
  30. You help your dog chase its tail.

The Fishwrapper