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8 Ways to Accelerate Growth of a Church Plant
Just a few tips if you’re a young new Calvinist who desires to plant a church and grow fast, big-time:
1. Be non-denominational. It’s the biggest denomination in America. That way you won’t scare any Arminian, Catholics, ecumenical or any unregenerates away from becoming members. You won’t be conspicuous in committing yourself to New Testament authority and supremacy. You don’t want that, do you? After all, the training of righteousness of the ekklesia is for unbeliever’s right? Not. Non-denom=bigger numbers. Period.
2. Be doctrinally smokey. Stay away from solid, clear doctrine. Don’t be clear when you preach. Confuse justification with sanctification. Make justification an ongoing process, like the Roman Catholic cult; make justification dependent on your ‘realization’ of the Gospel by going ‘deeper and deeper’, always and forever, amen. This is hot right now. They’ll love it, you’ll be a righteous rebel in their eyes. They will be thinking completely unbiblical, unhelpful and in a way that is false and hurtful to their spiritual growth, but they’ll love you.
3. Preach repentance of good works as a Christian. Never mind what the Scriptures say, you want to grow your fellowship right? and fast! Tell ‘em that even as a Christian, their works are not, as the Scripture teaches, a fragrant aroma unto God, but are actually filthy rags before God, just like unbelievers. Yeah, that’ll endear them to you and your following will grow. Sure, they’ll be disappointed later on because they, as Christians, focused on the Gospel more, and ignored the commands of obedience, fear, duty, hard works, and making it their ambitions to please God, but before that happens, they will have convinced at least 10 friends that you’re the next big thing, and your hot plant will grow.
4. Tell them that to be sanctified they must focus on the Gospel, not the entire New Testament. After all, we don’t won’t them to be biblically based as to life and godliness, we want them to be hooked on us, right? My word, we certainly don’t want them to become Baptist! If you can get them to ignore all the exhortations, commands, imperatives from God, through the apostles, inspired by God the Holy Spirit to be written eternally as the final revelation to mankind (breathe) instead of traditions, cultural attractions or what the ‘church’ is doing ‘right now’, or whatever the church fathers or reformers with all their faults wrote about, well then, you’ll be winning. Not really, but….you’re plant will grow. Deception is a motivator, isn’t it?
5. Whatever you do, stay antinomian. We don’t need no stinkin’ obedience, do we? No way. It’s all grace baby! Ignore that little statement by the Messiah Himself when He said something about ‘If you love Me you will keep My commandments’…no, no, no, what He was really saying was, of course, do nothing, ‘realize’, ‘focus on my Gospel, and I’ll obey for you’, right? Sanctification is all of grace, right? Well no, not at all.
6. Never, never, never ask people to dress their best for the worship of the Creator of all things. Oh my, Let them wear pajamas, ok? We don’t want anyone to think we believe in separatism do we? Oh! perish the thought of being biblical. If you want a fast growing membership of unregenerates, by all means, avoid like the plague of appearing consecrated to God Himself.
7. Be contemporary. Avoid all things tried and true by those who were burned at the stake for truth (which, doubtful, you probably won’t be, ever, at this rate). Use contemporary music, dress, fashions, trends, technology, whatever, to stay abreast of whatever is attractive to the world. After all, if you’re a friend to the world, your new Calvinist church plant will explode with popularity.
8. Don’t forget the doughnuts.
Obviously, I’ve used a tad bit of sarcasm here, but, seriously, if you want a fast growing church plant, well, I can’t think of a better foundation. Can you? If you can, feel free to drop a comment and add to the list.
5 Pt. Salt 
Short sermons that you can understand without having to actually think about what’s being said. 20 minutes, Max.
You neglected to mention bringing in a celebrity,.I am available, at a nominal fee….
The only thing I think you got wrong is the implicit requirement for people to wear their best clothes to the worship service. Where, please, is that found in the Bible?
You forgot about the plexi-glass stage and the amazing light show!
You forgot one main requirement – ONLY the anointed elite (pastor’s relatives, friends) are allowed to participate in any aspect of ministry (Sunday school teacher, sound guy, musician, etc.).
All the growing and relevant churches around here have coffee bars.